This Chapter is the one which should be read by EVERYONE – young or old, male or female. It may change your relationships in life in a way that you may have not thought to be possible.
No other chapter has sparked as many calls from people I know — especially friends. Almost everyone berated me for not sharing this knowledge with them sooner. They felt it could have changed the entire game of relationships in their lives.
Two interesting questions? How many friends and close relationships do you need at any given time to be happy? And, how many do you need in your WHOLE lifetime?
A social scientist, Dr Robin Dunbar did an extensive research on this in 1990s. His research came up with a dramatic discovery which put a sharp spotlight on how some of us may have been chasing the wrong relationships and neglecting the right ones – all our life. The deep and trusted relationships are the foundations of how we live our daily life. The awareness that he brought about is something which EVERYONE should know. The benefits can be priceless.
So, what is the right number of friends. Be ready for a BIG BIG surprise.
After studying the size of the human brain Dr. Dunbar concluded that there is a limit on the number of people with whom we can maintain a MEANINGFUL social relationship.
As the picture shows, the key word here is “MEANINGFUL”, that is relationships that we would not like to lose. The surprising number that Dr Dunbar came up with is 150.
That is, most people can only have a maximum of 150 meaningful relationships in a lifetime. However, the fascinating part is how he organized them further into four categories based on the closeness of relationship.
He broke it into four orbits with a precise number of friends in each orbit. Note that these numbers can be including Parents, Brothers, Sisters or Friends. But outside our immediate family, it is mostly our friends and companions.
Let us now see what each number means.
Dr Dunbar explained that the inner most circle is likely to have just 5 people. This is our inner sanctum of companionship. All those who fall in this will be our closest companions and friends.
These are the people we engage with and meet most frequently.
These FIVE are the ones with whom we share our inner most feelings and so called “SECRETS” which we may not do with anyone else.
Next circle of friends, you may have is up to 10 close connections. These are the people who we meet regularly and whom also we hold dear.
These FIVE persons often act as our anchors in the storms of life. They celebrate our triumphs as their own and stand by our side during our deepest sorrows. They are the chosen family that enriches our journey and makes the peaks higher and the valleys less daunting simply by being there.
But these 10 persons are not as close as those 5 people.
The next orbit consists of 35 people. These are the people whom we do meet often but not regularly. However, these are people close enough in relationships whom we could invite to our private occasions such as our family functions and anniversary etc.
These people hold a meaningful, though slightly more peripheral, place in our social universe. They are the ones with whom we’ve shared experiences, mutual respect, or history—connections that go beyond mere acquaintanceship but stop short of daily closeness.
Now let us look at the Dunbar number in the last orbit
Finally, there are 100 people here. These are those who you know relatively well but who you might not see too much. You may not miss them if they did not turn up for your wedding reception.
What is then the optimum or the magic number from all these Dunbar Numbers. That number is “15” which is from the first two circles i.e. your inner sanctum and your close friends.
The Takeaway
We now know that the magic number is 15. Next step would be to sit down and identify these 15 people and even write it down. There is a very good reason for that.
These 15 persons are the ones who will provide you with up to 80% of the emotional wealth and happiness in life.
The “DUNBAR NUMBERS” tell us that the trick is to spend 80% of your time with these 15 close relationships. 20% on all others. All smart people DELIBERATELY nurture those relationships which matter the most to them.
Are you doing it ? If not, then go ahead and pick just 3 to 4 friends and work on developing a deeper bond with them. That will be one of the smartest things you would ever do in your life. Because this will become the bedrock of your lifelong support system. Priceless.
We should all thank Dr Dunbar for making us aware of this gem of a piece of knowledge which can change our whole life significantly. The peace of mind and belief that you are no more alone in life, when chips are down, can make our journey of life so much richer, confident and purposeful.
That Is Not A Small Thing.